Step Up 3D Fail: Ahmadinejad Laughs at updated Kevin Bacon Hip Snaps.

Kevin Bacon uses dance as a weapon against his arch nemesis: Middle America. If you're asking if he gave Cold War era Soviets killer hip snaps...the answer is no.

Every generation has its silly dance movies, whether it’s Flashdance, Footloose, Dirty Dancing, Save the Last Dance, etc.  However, what’s even more depressing than seeing Kevin Bacon use dance as a weapon against those oppressive redneck hicks in Middle America (or Kevin Bacon in cinematic child molester case studies Roger Ebert can’t stop thinking about)…is the liberalism that usually undergirds most of them.  Why was it Kevin could give angry hip thrusts and fist pumps to Middle America, but not to Soviet expansionism in South America or Eastern Europe? I think you know the answer…

The trailer for Step Up is a perfect example of the kind of intellectual liberal pixy stix the entertainment industry feeds us on a daily basis. It’s all sugary good idealism with little to no nutritional value:

“Dance can change things. One move can bring people together. One move can make you believe like you’re something more. One move can set a whole generation free!”

Somehow, I don’t have much confidence that Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is going to watch the gyrations of American FLO Rida fans put on and say, “Dude, this whole nuke obsession and Holocaust denial? I was totally wrong. Instead of calling for the death of all Jews, gays, Americans, Western Civilization, infidels, and most of the women on earth…from now on I’ll just bowl them over with killer dance move lock and pops!”

Sadly, though, we’ve grown into a nation of self-esteem junkies who need

The new "Step Up" features FLO Rida's insane beats while Mahmoud Ahmadinejad threatens to destroy Israel---in 3D!

to be told we’re special from the cradle to the grave.  The same people who think they’re “something more” because of a single dance move were the same kids who got first place ribbons in elementary school field day events despite placing dead last in the 50 yard dash (because we’re all winners).  They’re also the same kids who thought Barack Obama was going to be able to woo the world’s worst dictators into civilized behavior with sweet nothings and “Atta boys!” in their ears. Newsflash: it doesn’t work.  When you try and to do the impossible you end up like Derek Zoolander in the famous “Walk Off” scene (i.e., self-imposed wedgies).

If your middle school kid asks you to see Step Up 3D…drive to your nearest theater to check out The Expendables this summer, where the only twisting and turning guys do will be when they’re breaking off a knife in some dictator or his thug-lackey’s gut.

Dancing with Irrational Holocaust denying thug regimes is a good way to give you a national wedgie that bleeds American.

Roger Ebert: Hit Girl too “dark.” The Woodsman’s Child Molester? Intriguingly Chartreuse.

Kevin Bacon has an interesting career. Sometimes he plays characters who

Roger Ebert isn't a fan of Hit Girl because she's "dark." Yet, Kevin Bacon as a child molester in The Woodsman is apparently an intriguing shade of chartreuse?

can’t fight the compulsion to stand up and dance, and sometimes he plays characters who must fight the compulsion to ummm…molest children. However, this post isn’t going to be about Kevin Bacon. Instead, I’d like to concentrate on Roger Ebert.  You know, that guy who is so bright he calls his readers “nutjob Teabaggers.”

First off, I’m not here to bash The Woodsman. I can see where many people might find it “thought provoking” or “daring.” Or, as Ebert put it:

The reason we cannot accept pedophilia as we accept many other sexual practices is that it requires an innocent partner, whose life could be irreparably harmed. We do not have the right to do that. If there is no other way to achieve sexual satisfaction, that is our misfortune, but not an excuse. It is not the pedophile that is evil, but the pedophilia.

While I find it interesting that Ebert doesn’t use the same pattern in logic to come to a Ted Nugentonian conclusion on Gun Rights, what piques my interest the most is Ebert’s fawning praise for a piece on humanizing child molesters—and sneering condescension at a world where a little girl can defend herself against drug dealers, gangsters, and the amoral dregs of society:

The little girl is named Mindy (Chloe Grace Moretz). She adopts the persona of Hit Girl. She has been trained by her father, Big Daddy (Nicolas Cage), to join him in the battle against a crime boss (Mark Strong). Her training includes being shot at point-blank range while wearing a bulletproof vest. She also masters the martial arts — more, I would say, than any other movie martial artist of any age I can recall. She’s gifted with deadly knife-throwing; a foot-long knife was presented to her by Dad as, I guess, a graduation present…

The early scenes give promise of an entirely different comedy. Aaron Johnson has a certain anti-charm, his problems in high school are engaging, and so on. A little later, I reflected that possibly only Nic Cage could seem to shoot a small girl point-blank and make it, well, funny. Say what you will about her character, but Chloe Grace Moretz has presence and appeal. Then the movie moved into dark, dark territory, and I grew sad.

So “dark, dark, territory” for Ebert is apparently only kosher when Kevin Bacon is struggling with fantasies about girls like…Hit Girl! I get it. And so, following Ebert’s earlier logic, it is not the drug dealer or the crime lord (who puts people in giant industrial microwaves for lumber and pushes the ‘on’ button) who we should hate, but their desire to do so… Hit Girl’s problem is that she didn’t feel remorse for ridding the world of guys who would give Tony Soprano a Gene Kelly aura of innocence.

Guess what, Ebert: the world likes seeing pure evil blown up, shot, smashed, and killed. And, while I don’t think child predators should be harassed upon their release from prison, I do wonder why liberals like you and Oliver Stone are always trying to put guys like Hitler “in context.” Yeah, we get it—they’re human. They’re complex. But guess what, Roger: some people do things that are so beyond the pale we call them evil. And when I see a movie where someone like Hit Girl gives society’s skid marks a taste of their own medicine, I cheer.

I suppose that’s the tell tale sign I’m a“nutjob Teabagger,” right Roger? Well…I’m fine with that if proud socialists like you are the one’s setting the definitions. I.will.not.be.obedient.

Update: Big Hollywood’s take on Kick Ass might be worth a read if you have the time.