Roger Ebert on Ryan Dunn’s Death Like Liberals After Giffords Tragedy.

Roger Ebert is a class act. He couldn’t even wait for the tears to dry over Ryan Dunn’s death before rhetorically rubbing salt in his family and friends’ wounds.

Do you remember when liberal know-it-all pundits were so sure of themselves that “the actions of a madman obsessed with ‘mind control’ and the Communist Manifesto were a harbinger of things to come with a Republican-controlled House? I do. And anyone who was on Twitter in the moments after the Gabrielle Giffords tragedy does as well. You would think that after being so grossly wrong on so many things that women like Janeane Garofalo and men like Roger Ebert would let the dust settle (or all the Congressional Twitter crotch shots surface) before running their mouths. Apparently not:

Before knowing for sure if alcohol contributed to the awful car crash that killed “Jackass” star Ryan Dunn and two others, Roger Ebert tweeted the following yesterday afternoon: “Friends don’t let jackasses drink and drive.”

If Roger Ebert had any class he would have put that Tweet away for a few hours, came back to it later, and then thought better than to rub salt in the wounds of those mourning Ryan Dunn’s death. But he has no class. And he couldn‘t resist, because the same liberal gene that tells him that small groups of men can “plan” 14 trillion dollar economies tells him he knows the crucial details of Ryan Dunn’s death before they’re reported. The liberal mindset that believes hundreds of millions of people can be controlled by a large central government—in a way that increases liberties while ensuring equal outcomes—(not possible) gave him all the confidence he needed to spout off.

Did I want to write a blog post in the moments after Ryan Dunn’s death was announced? Yes. There are valuable lessons that we can all glean from it (just as their are valuable lessons we can glean from any tragedy). However, I refrained in this instance because I didn’t want to make a mistake and possibly come across like…a jackass. It’s funny: Roger Ebert, the socialist, would tell you he’s for “the working class,” and yet when a story about a guy like Dunn comes around (can you get any more blue collar than the guys from Jackass?) he doesn’t even wait until the tears have dried before doing the rhetorical equivalent of “I TOLD YOU SO!” on Twitter for all the world to see.

“Friends don’t let friends drink and drive,” Ebert? Very true. However, friends also don’t let friends act like insensitive jerks. I’m afraid to contemplate what that means in regards to the number of people who consider you a true friend.

Time Traveler: Future Liberals Outlaw Self Defense Sporks.

Franz Ferdinand was killed by a Browning, solid oak, semi-automatic Spork in Liberal Universe 616…despite the Progressive efforts to outlaw weapons. Don’t let this bizarre future come to pass in your universe.

As I’ve noted before, it’s tough being a time traveler. First I warned you about Barack Obama worm holes, and then parallel universe Rivers Cuomo, but this is different.  This is big.  Where do I start?  I suppose the beginning is as good as any.

The time I come from is 2250, but it all really started January 8th, 2011. In the immediate aftermath of the Gabrielle Giffords tragedy, liberal pundits started talking about the explosive rhetoric used by the likes of Sarah Palin. Bill Maher and his friends jumped at the opportunity to tell people that the actions of a madman obsessed with “mind control” and the Communist Manifesto was a harbinger of things to come with a Republican-controlled House.  A cosmic chord was struck, and a chain of events began that ended only decades later with the complete and utter abolition of all guns from the hands of law-abiding citizens.

Great, right? Wrong.

Although school books written by liberal historians were downright giddy, even going so far as to theorize Archduke Franz Ferdinand would have lived—with World War I avoided as a result—had such measures been in place in 1914 (a subject I’ll come back to shortly), it’s safe to say that the world is not a safer place in 2050. In fact, it’s just as dangerous and downright bizarre.

After the guns, they went for Tasers. After the Tasers, they came for modernized bow and arrows.  And then slingshots. And so on, and so forth.  But for some weird reason people still found ways to hurt, kill, or maim each other. Criminals found new and creative ways to circumvent the law, assassins continued assassinating their “targets”, and mentally unstable people continued to snap in public gathering places.

In my time, we’re at the point where sporks are now being used for self defense by the common citizen.  While the United States remains one of the last free enclaves to exist in the world (all governments, particularly tyrannical regimes, kept the guns for themselves), there’s something just plain wrong about the Spork Control debates taking place around the country.

For instance, while I agree with the saying, “Sporks don’t kill people, people do,” it saddens me to see the bumper stickers.  I feel worse for moderate Democrats. Forced into a corner, they feel the need to say things like, “Sporks don’t kill people, knives do.”

I mentioned Franz Ferdinand earlier, but I didn’t mention that I’m not the only time traveller. Buoyed by their legislative successes, rogue liberal spacemen made inroads in previous times in alternate universes. Only, there’s one pesky fact that continues to elude them: it doesn’t change anything.

In Liberal Universe 616 the Archduke still dies, albeit at the hands of an assassin wielding a solid oak semi-auomatic spork. As a sick side note, the spork was manufactured by Browning…the same company that made the .32 ACP (Automatic Colt Pistol) in your universe.

Don’t let this be you.  Don’t let them demonize a particular political party or ideology in the wake of the Gabrielle Giffords tragedy or those who will inevitably follow (and they will).  Stand up for The Second Amendment, vigorously make the case for limited government, and defend free markets and a strong national defense.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a rendezvous with Spaceman Spiff sometime before armageddon.

Oddly enough, there’s also an alternate universe where Spaceman Spiff must defend himself with a wet noodle. Don’t let that be you.