All balding men should pledge allegiance to Bruce Willis

Bruce Willis is a man who knows how to own his hair loss. Be like Bruce Willis, my dihydrotestosterone producing friends.

All good things must come to an end … like my hair. And so, since I am a conservative blogger I have no choice but to accept personal responsibility for my male pattern baldness. As much as I would like to blame my father, my grandfather, “the rich,” and a cruel, uncaring capitalistic system that surreptitiously gives men like me androgenic alopecia, I will do no such thing.

I first noticed my hair thinning up front. Soon, it wasn’t long before my crown began to crack under the pressure that baldness, the bastard, applies. The question became: Do I fight a slow war of attrition with my hair loss (one I was destined to lose), or would I employ a scorched-scalp strategy, whereas I could guarantee victory by embracing the landscape of a shaved head?

This is Bruce Willis thinking, “I’m incredibly awesome, even though I’m incredibly bald.”

As a former soldier, the choice was simple: I would go back to the future, buy some shears, and see to it that my inner Bruce Willis was given his time to shine. The key to baldness is to revel in it and say to those stubborn genes, “You will not shake my confidence.” People can easily tell the difference between a man who sulks over finicky follicles that turned off too early, as if he was Samson done in by Delilah, and a man who likes what he sees and is empowered by it.

There are many men who pull off a shaved or bald head. Terry Crews, Dwayne “The Rock”Johnson, and Jason Statham are just a few. But to me, no one knows how to make it work better than Bruce Willis. The dude is the textbook case for cool. As so, as a newly-minted member of the Balding Men Club, I hereby announce my commitment to always strive for The Willis Ideal.

12 Monkeys is required viewing, Willis 101, for anyone who seeks to emulate Bruce’s mastery of baldness.

Yippie Ki-yay…Steve Doocy. Bruce Willis is Sheer Awesomeness.

It was a toss-up tonight. I was either going to blog on the sheer awesomeness of Bruce Willis inspired by his cameo in a Gorillaz video, or Steve Doocy (he’s got a fever, and the only prescription is more nepotism!) Bruce Willis won, which means Doocy gets a reprieve…for now. It’s probably better that way; I’d rather write about someone who is in good company with patriots like Michael Yon than Fox and Sons who get that big break because their dad’s on the payroll Friends.

Bruce Willis admits he has a conservative streak in his veins. How deep is it? I’m not sure. He does mediocre buddy cop movies with liberal guys who are threats to national security.

But that’s what I like about Bruce Willis-he gets along with everyone (even Hollywood guys who hang out in liberal echo chambers), and he’s willing to take chances. For every misstep there’s a Hartigan or a John McClane or David Dunn.

Bruce Willis takes chances that sometimes blow your mind and sometimes come up short, but he almost always plays the hero. And when he’s “on”, he’s on. He’s noble. He’s tough. He’s no-nonsense, and he gets the job done. Bruce Willis is a rarity today, like Clint Eastwood.

Speaking of which, Eastwood has a connection with Gorillaz as well. And since I have a writing background, coming full circle like this dictates I bring this post to an end.

Yippie ki-yay...Steve Doocy.

In short, love your conservative movie icons. They don’t come around too often. Yet. And we need to do what we can to cultivate more men like him, because if we don’t we’ll one day have a world where Steve Doocy rules. And when that happens we’re all dead.

I’m just kidding. Sort of.