All balding men should pledge allegiance to Bruce Willis

Bruce Willis is a man who knows how to own his hair loss. Be like Bruce Willis, my dihydrotestosterone producing friends.

All good things must come to an end … like my hair. And so, since I am a conservative blogger I have no choice but to accept personal responsibility for my male pattern baldness. As much as I would like to blame my father, my grandfather, “the rich,” and a cruel, uncaring capitalistic system that surreptitiously gives men like me androgenic alopecia, I will do no such thing.

I first noticed my hair thinning up front. Soon, it wasn’t long before my crown began to crack under the pressure that baldness, the bastard, applies. The question became: Do I fight a slow war of attrition with my hair loss (one I was destined to lose), or would I employ a scorched-scalp strategy, whereas I could guarantee victory by embracing the landscape of a shaved head?

This is Bruce Willis thinking, “I’m incredibly awesome, even though I’m incredibly bald.”

As a former soldier, the choice was simple: I would go back to the future, buy some shears, and see to it that my inner Bruce Willis was given his time to shine. The key to baldness is to revel in it and say to those stubborn genes, “You will not shake my confidence.” People can easily tell the difference between a man who sulks over finicky follicles that turned off too early, as if he was Samson done in by Delilah, and a man who likes what he sees and is empowered by it.

There are many men who pull off a shaved or bald head. Terry Crews, Dwayne “The Rock”Johnson, and Jason Statham are just a few. But to me, no one knows how to make it work better than Bruce Willis. The dude is the textbook case for cool. As so, as a newly-minted member of the Balding Men Club, I hereby announce my commitment to always strive for The Willis Ideal.

12 Monkeys is required viewing, Willis 101, for anyone who seeks to emulate Bruce’s mastery of baldness.
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About the Author Douglas Ernst

I'm a former Army guy who believes success comes through hard work, honesty, optimism, and perseverance. I believe seeing yourself as a victim creates a self-fulfilling prophecy. I believe in God. I'm a USC Trojan with an MA in Political Science from American University.

8 comments

  1. The Bruce Man blows a mean blues harp too, which makes him King in my book as I’m a practitioner of that art.

    I vote for Last Man Standing as an example of a gritty Willis movie. Loved it.

    1. Loved Last Man Standing and the Ry Cooder soundtrack too. Even though it was a remake of a remake, the modern western setting was great and who doesn’t love Christopher Walken as a homicidal-maniac-with-a-sense-of-humor Hickey?

      Something we finally agree on?

  2. Huge Bruce Willis fan, but you forget Teddy Savalas, the Original Gangster of bald men, started the “bald is beautiful” trend! Kojak set the standard.

    I think Bruce fought it for years but finally gave up and accepted it. Did you ever hear the rumor that Bruce, so upset at his thinning hair in Hudson Hawk, ordered the special effects team to retouch the his hairline frame by frame!

    1. Yeah, I missed Kojak due to my age, but always heard he was the man. I figured someone would give me crap for not mentioning Piccard…

      I’m glad Bruce eventually came to terms with the hair loss. It’s served him well.

    2. I’ll see it for sure. My wife is more into it than I am at this point, I think.

      I like that he takes on interesting projects. Sometimes they fall dreadfully flat (e.g., Surrogates, which was so much better as a comic), but sometimes they kick all sorts of ass.

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