Dan Slott’s Spider-Man: World’s Dumbest Super Hero

The ‘Ends of the Earth’ storyline in Marvel’s Amazing Spider-Man has severely damaged the character’s credibility, due almost entirely to writer Dan Slott. I took flak from fans for mentioning that Spider-Man’s dangerously naive “no one dies” mentality is a war zone liability, and that only a fool would jeopardize a time-sensitive mission by worrying about the well-being of North Korean soldiers — when over six billion lives were on the line. Only a few weeks ago I said: “A hero is still a hero, but some of them are meant for city streets, and some of them are meant to determine the fate of the world.” And now, Dan Slott’s Spider-Man proved it through his own dialogue and actions:

“I’m not used to ‘End of the World’ stuff. Gimme a bank robbery or one of my regular bad guys. Now that I can handle,” (Dan Slott’s Spider-Man, Amazing Spider-Man #687).

Sadly, truer words were never spoken. Only pages later, Spider-Man is put in a situation where he must choose between saving Silver Sable’s life as she is held beneath rising water by the immovable Rhino, or stopping a satellite launch that will doom billions. Our hero feebly pulls at his enemy’s forearm like a little boy who yearns for a toy until Sable uses one of her last breaths to berate his idiocy: “If you don’t go — EVERYONE DIES! GO!”

Look at Spider-Man with that blank stare on his face. You can almost see the wheels turning as he realizes what a fool his “no one dies” mantra is. Even in the face of death, Silver Sable has a clear enough head to know the correct course of action to take.

As I said before, Dan Slott’s Spider-Man is so myopic that he only sees the lives right there in front of him. He’s like a baby, tricked by peek-a-boo because his mind isn’t fully developed; if there are lives to be saved right in front of him, there’s a good chance he can be distracted.

With the climax of ‘Ends of the Earth’ at hand, Slott delivers — in the wrong way. The blinded fan will only remember Spider-Man finding an inner reserve of strength to break free from his bonds to save billions — again, thanks to the Silver Sable’s clear thinking at death’s door. What they won’t remember is that Doctor Octopus admitted he is pure evil right before Peter decided to save his life — instead of using the opportunity to return to Silver Sable. Doctor Octopus says: “I shall live on in infamy — a mass murderer worse than Pol Pot, Hitler, and Genghis Khan combined.

Only moments later, as Peter attempts to save the genocidal maniac from the crumbling fortress, he says: “I made a promise. As long as I’m around no one — … Come on. I’m getting you out of here.”

Note the pause. Peter obviously thinks of his teammate possibly drowning a few rooms over. I say ‘possibly’ because Spider-Man doesn’t know what happened after he left the room, and neither does the reader. Perhaps Silver Sable had one last trick up her sleeve. Perhaps another hero found a way to come to her aid. In that moment, wouldn’t the true hero have ditched the man who hoped to transcend Hitler, in an effort to check on his ally? In that situation, would it not have been better to at least recover her dead body over saving the man who was willing to subject billions to a burning death just seconds earlier? Let’s not even get into the many people who have been resuscitated after having been submerged in water for lengths of time conventional wisdom says is impossible…

It’s fitting that ‘Ends of the Earth’ would feature a character who (seemingly) died from drowning, because Dan Slott’s Spider-Man walks around like there isn’t enough oxygen going to his brain. Here’s to hoping that one day Spider-Man will come to his (spider) senses.

Barack Obama, Mysterio vs. Paul Ryan, Spider-Man?

From the very beginning, Hope and Change was an illusion. Many Americans bought it, but guys like Paul Ryan are doing their best to expose the charade.

When was the last time President Obama talked honestly with the American people about our national debt? Currently, it stands at $15,391,735,627,010.18. The main drivers of U.S. debt are entitlement programs (i.e., Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid). The Obama Budget? It doesn’t seriously address any of them. Instead, it’s all smoke and mirrors, the kind cooked up by Marvel Comics’ Mysterio. As the interest on our debt continues to pile up, and countries like Greece give us a glimpse into our future, the president has only given the American people accounting tricks and distractions. Media play along, and many Republican politicians sit with their lips zipped because even they are too afraid to break the news to their constituents: We’re broke. Very, very broke. And fixing it is going to be painful.

Right now one of the only voices of sanity on Capitol Hill is Paul Ryan, an Amazing Spider-Man of sorts. He’s kind of wonky and a little bit nerdy, but he’s also very personable and, in a weird way a pretty cool guy—like Peter Parker! The sad thing is, it doesn’t take “spider-sense” to know we’re in trouble. The kind of unfunded mandates currently on the books will bring the nation to its knees, and it’s all a matter of basic math. Unfortunately, basic math is something that doesn’t seem to be being taught to today’s young people, because they continue to believe in things like “free” health care, as if costs are something that can magically disappear because a politician said so.

Anyone who is familiar with The Amazing Spider-Man knows the motto he lives by: “With great power comes great responsibility.” Besides Congressman Paul Ryan and a select few others, that’s not a mantra that guides our elected representatives. In the comic books Spider-Man can save the city all by himself, despite the fact that many of the citizens are under the impression that he’s the villain. In real life, Paul Ryan can’t save the nation all by himself, but he does have media outlets doing their best job to cast him as the bad guy! He doesn’t have the proportionate strength of a spider, but together we can handle this problem. Write a blog, talk to a friend, call your Congressman or do whatever it is your schedule will allow so that the nation’s financial situation comes to the forefront. It’s not as spectacular as swinging from rooftops or sticking to walls, but you’ll be a hero to your kids and grand kids.