Greenpeace: Fear the Volkswagen Death Star

Do you remember the Volkswagen commercial with the cute kid in the Darth Vader costume? It turns out, he really is evil—according to Greenpeace. In a new ad by the liberal activist group, Kid Darth is confronted by Junior Jedi, a Child Chewie, your favorite Star Wars droids, and Kid Lando (with a mustache) due to Volkswagen’s adherence to the Dark Side (i.e., common sense). According to the admittedly slick spin off:  “VW is threatening our planet by opposing cuts to CO2 emissions.”

Just as liberals consistently fail to define “the poor” or “the rich” when it comes to public policy debates, liberal environmentalists fail to define what they mean by “threatening our planet.” To most of us, CO2 (otherwise known as plant food), doesn’t seem like the catalyst for an Alderaan-type apocalypse for Mother Earth. The conservative realizes that the Volkswagen employee likes to drink clean water and breath clean air just as much as the Greenpeace activist. The conservative dislikes lung cancer just as much as the next guy. Oppose Greenpeace’s standard for what constitutes an environmentally friendly automobile? You’re the equivalent of a Coruscant drug dealer. As the “Rebel Manifesto” states:

Volkswagen has a history of lobbying against the strong European standards that we need to kick our oil addiction. As the biggest car company in Europe, with the biggest responsibility, VW must change and support strong standards from now on.

Humans don’t have an oil addiction; Greenpeace has technophobia, particularly anything that runs on an internal combustion engine. Bees build beehives and we build cities, but the liberal environmentalist fails to acknowledge our machines are, indeed, natural. The Star Wars analogy falls apart when viewers realize that liberals want us all to become clones to their progressive worldview…or die. Remember when British environmentalists thought it would be funny if kids who weren’t in favor of cutting CO2 emissions could be detonated with the push of a button? Yet somehow it’s Volkswagen that we’re supposed to believe would be behind the construction of a Death Star? Call me skeptical.

Jedi (or undercover Sith Lords) who continue to poke around the Greenpeace website are then treated to Volkswagen’s not-so-secret Secret Plans:

If Volkswagen made the most fuel-efficient cars it produces as standard, rather than offering efficiency technology as an expensive add-on, it would be able to reduce its feet emissions and oil consumption dramatically. If it rolled out its best technology across the fleet it would be transformational, not just to its own performance but to the European vehicle fleet as a whole.

It’s good to know that liberal environmentalists who don’t have eyes on Volkswagen’s internals know how to run a car company better than a men who have made cars their life’s work. Just as liberals call for minimum wage hikes (as if prices are arbitrarily decided upon numbers and sold to us with a Jedi mind trick), Greenpeace believes Volkswagen can snap its fingers and roll out “its best technology across the fleet.”

Perhaps a better analogy would lie with Star Trek: The Next Generation. Liberals believe we live in a “Make it so” world. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way. When it comes to public policy vision, they’re as blind as Han Solo coming out of Carbonite hibernation.