Rob Schneider: Watch My New Show, Rob! PS: Western Civilization Sucks.

How do you sell a new show to Americans? If you’re Rob Schneider, you go on the radio and admit that the inspiration for “Rob!” never wanted to come here. And then you bash Western Civilization.

Rob Schneider has been trying to resurrect his career for awhile now. In the past he thought taking jabs at Dennis Miller’s conservatism would win him some brownie points with liberal critics. Perhaps it worked, because he was given a shot at his own show, the eponymous “Rob!” While I personally think it’s quite a gamble (to put it nicely) to create a show based on the strength of Rob Schneider’s shoulders, God bless the producer who did.

Rob’s newest strategy for winning over American audiences is to fully disclose that the inspiration for the show, his wife, never really wanted to come here. As a cherry on top, he proffers that Western Civilization was inferior to the Mayans and Aztecs, except in their ability to spread disease. Washington, DC’s Elliot from Elliot In The Morning never threw him a life line, but then why would he? A guest’s stupidity often makes for great radio.

Elliot: I know that in reading about the show they talk about how it’s loosely based on your real life. I don’t believe you ran off and eloped to Vegas, but what’s with your wife’s family—

Rob Schneider: My wife is from Mexico. She came over here on a tourist visa. I was madly in love with her. She didn’t want to get married, to be honest. It’s different than in the show. My wife never saw herself getting married. She loves Mexico more than America. That’s her country. She worked there. She’s given up her culture, her language, her family, her friends, the food. She wasn’t like the people who want to come to America. She never saw that, but she fell in love with me. I talked her into getting married. And we did. We just went off to the courthouse. Some idiot took a picture of me and her on their cellphone, and the next thing you know it’s on the tabloids…

Elliot: One of the clips that I’ve seen, you’re in grandma’s room and you’re straightening the portrait and it falls and there’s all prayer candles underneath. Is that her family?

Rob Schneider: She’s Catholic. They’re very religious. They don’t just believe in Jesus. They also believe in Jesus’ mom. They have the whole Catholic thing going. It’s lovely. There’s a thing about the Mayan and Aztecs, who were just ahead—the most advanced civilization in 1492 was not the Europeans. The Europeans were only advanced in filth and disease. That was their biggest advance… I’m getting way too into this, aren’t I?

Could it be that one of the reasons why Rob’s wife didn’t see why millions of immigrants flock to America every year is because her mind is filled anti-colonialist clap trap?  Why would anyone want to move to America if someone put their brain through the multicultural rinse cycle? Rob probably has some very astute observations about inter-racial marriages, but like his acting career he’s prone to stumbling and bumbling through the delivery. Perhaps at another time I’ll discuss my own inter-racial relationship (and now marriage) just to say I’ve waded through that mine field, but right now it might be best to discuss the so-called superiority of the Aztecs. If Rob wants to play that game, let’s do so.

I’ll refrain from discussing inter-tribal rape, head lice, and infanticide. Instead, I’ll let Dinesh’ D’souza dismantle Rob’s inane argument:

When Cortes captured the Aztec emperor Montezuma and his attendants, he would only permit them temporary release on the promise that they stop their traditional practices of cannibalism and human sacrifice, but he found that “as soon as we turned our heads they would resume their old cruelties.” Aztec cannibalism, writes anthropologist Marvin Harris, “was not a perfunctory tasting of ceremonial tidbits.” Indeed the Aztecs on a regular basis consumed human flesh in a stew with peppers and tomatoes, and children were regarded as a particular delicacy. Cannibalism was prevalent among the Aztecs, Guarani, Iroquois, Caribs, and several other tribes.

Moreover, the Aztecs of Mexico and the Incas of South America performed elaborate rites of human sacrifice, in which thousands of captive Indians were ritually murdered, until their altars were drenched in blood, bones were strewn everywhere, and priests collapsed with exhaustion from stabbing their victims. The law of the Incas provided for punishment of parents and others who displayed grief during human sacrifices. When men of noble birth died, wives and concubines were often strangled and buried with them.

Multicultural textbooks, committed to a contemporary version of the noble savage portrait, cannot acknowledge historical facts that would embarrass the morality tale of white invaders despoiling the elysian harmony of the Americans.

Would you like me to drop another bomb on you, Rob? I probably shouldn’t, since I have the feeling that your show is a big piece of unexploded ordinance sitting on the CBS lot. I wish it wasn’t, but everything in my gut says that the CBS producers sought to fill the void left behind by really bad television shows watched by George Lopez fans.

Oh, and before you accuse me of being the angry, racist white guy stewing in his basement over minority television shows, I have have one thing to say: Fresh Prince of Bel Air. Classic. What kid in the 90’s didn‘t love it? And if that doesn’t convince you, “Yo, Holmes, forget it, I’m off to Bel Air.”

Rob Schneider, “star” of Surf Ninjas, Knocks Dennis Miller. Nuff said.

Rob, remember when you got a beat down in “Knock Off”? With the invention of this thing called the internet, that’s what happens to liberals when they take cheap pot shots using stale canards.

If one Googles “going after the low hanging fruit” I hope they come across Rob Schneider’s name, because that’s what making fun of him is.  But I’m about to do it, because he’s given me no choice:

Q: So are you political? Like a liberal version of Dennis Miller?

A: I don’t think Dennis Miller is as smart as people think. He’s a fascist. He seems to be manipulated by money. All conservatism is grasping what was radical 90 years ago. There are no ideas. They’re a bunch of nuts like (Fox News Channel’s) Mike Huckabee, who believes the planet is only 500 years old. He’s an idiot. Not that Democrats have any good ideas, either. (President Barack) Obama is my favorite community organizer. He couldn’t run a Kinko’s, so I’m not sure why he’s running the biggest economy on the planet. I think we need to enlist presidents against their own will. Find the most qualified people who don’t want to be president.

First off, I’m going to cut Rob some slack. In the article he states that he’s returning to the circuit after 17 years and wants to have one killer set. Somehow, I doubt he would ever out himself as a fiscal conservative who is socially liberal if that were true. With that said—he’s still an idiot. Here’s why:

  • Everyone knows Dennis Miller is a smart, well read guy.  If fact, sometimes he’s too smart for his own good, engaging in esoteric jokes few people get in front an audience he knows doesn’t get it.  If I thought he was doing it to prompt them to look up Romantic Era British poets it would be one thing, but I get the feeling he’s more pretentious than professorial.
  • The liberal canard that if you disagree with them you’re a “fascist” isn’t going to fly any more. The liberal anti-war movement came to town with body odor and really bad signs…and failed. The Tea Party has come to town armed with Hayek and Batstiat. Rob apparently isn’t impressed with “old” ideas because they’re not new (never mind that basic economics works). The Tea Party will be a force to be reckoned with if they can transition from populist movement to a viable political party (whether that means purging the GOP of it’s weak-kneed elitist establishment clowns and getting it back to its roots, or breaking off to form a third party is yet to be determined).
  • The idea that Dennis Miller has a little radio show “for money” is laughable.  There’s much more money to be made as a shill for liberalism in the entertainment industry than as a conservative radio host.

Question for Rob: It’s been thrown about that Adam Sandler has a few conservative streaks running through his bones. Does that make him a “fascist,” or does he get a pass because he generally keeps his mouth shut? I suppose another theory is that you don’t call him out because he’s been the primary source of your employment for the past decade…

Regardless, Rob accurately states that Barack Obama couldn’t manage a Kinkos.  He then goes on to wonder why Dennis Miller might be livid that the President is trying to fundamentally change the nature of America with Big Government On Steroids and public policy experiments that have historically been dismal failures. Is it possible Dennis Miller doesn’t want the United States to emulate Greece’s recent meltdown? Not in Schneider’s world. Is it possible that Dennis Miller looks at Europe and sees a cultural zombie sadly chewing on itself in the corner? Not in Schneider’s world. And that’s why Rob is a clown.

Dear Rob,

When is another installment of Surf Ninjas coming out? I’d ask when you’ll be playing another Sylvester Stallone sidekick, but after The Expendables we all know what the answer to that is.

Taking a shot at Dennis Miller was a low blow, Rob. It makes me think that as a comedian you’ll be just another Knock Off; fitting, since your judgment is actually worse than Jean Claude Van Damme’s. He turned down a chance to take part in The Expendables, but at least he didn’t pass up JCVD.