Joey Chestnut: The perfect American paradox

Joey Chestnut

What drives a man to guzzle 69 hotdogs in 10 minutes? At what point in Joey Chestnut’s life did he silently say to himself that he wanted to be known the world over for shoving vast amounts of food down his gullet in short amounts of time? When you think about it Joey Chestnut, who just won his 7th “Nathan’s Famous” hot dog eating contest (and $10,000), is the perfect American paradox. He is an individual who has allowed his heart to take him to great heights, even if those “heights” would be considered embarrassing lows for many others.

Here’s what the construction-manager-by-day said of his second profession to Vanity Fair:

Mr. Chestnut—who was nicknamed “Jaws” by Sonya “The Black Widow” Thomas, holder of the world record for eating hard-boiled eggs (65 in six minutes 40 seconds)—is the son of a homemaker and a middle-school music teacher. “My mom and dad are good people,” he told me unself-consciously. “I love them. Mom only gets angry when I don’t visit her enough. She raised six kids to be 100 percent independent and work for everything we achieve. I mean, we don’t expect anything for free.”

“What does your dad say about your fame as an eater?”

“He says what he always says to me: ‘Joey, don’t be an asshole! Be like you are with me.’ My dad’s an awesome dude.” …

“There’s nothing pretty about competitive eating […] It might be uncouth. But it is fun and it is lighthearted.” …

There are critics of competitive eating who protest that it sets a bad example for the obese population of America. But Joey doesn’t see the connection—any more than he sees one between car-racing events and the oil crisis.

“When you narrow it down, how many real pleasures are there in life?” he asked me unexpectedly. “There’s only four the way I count it. There’s eating, there’s laughing, there’s making love, and there’s the accomplishment of achievement and feeling proud. Maybe in America there’s more of an emphasis on food than there should be. But when I look out at the audience during a competition, some people are shocked, but most people are smiling.”

At the end of the day Joey Chestnut seems to be a good person who works hard at whatever he does (construction or competitive eating), doesn’t expect anything from anyone else, and who wants to bring a smile to a few faces each Independence Day.

Here’s what Mr. Chestnut says about his training regime:

His training regime for the Nathan’s hot-dog contest is a strict one of fasting, running, consuming protein supplements, drinking gallons of water to push his body to the limit, and performing full-scale eating workouts during which he simulates the actual tournament.

Come July 4, he will be down to his fighting weight of around 205 pounds. “But, Joey,” I said, “I’m beginning to worry about your health.”

No worries there! His medical checkups have always been excellent. “I think my body was built to eat 68 hot dogs,” he explained. “It’s natural.”

“It is?”

“Well, it’s more natural to me than running a 26-mile marathon. I think that’s insane!”

Joey makes a good point: How is it any more strange for him to be the world’s best “guy who eats tubed meat” than it is to be the best “guy who runs really, really far”? To do what Chestnut does — at the level he does it — takes a kind of discipline that most people today, sadly, do not possess. Indeed, most of the obese Americans out there would not be obese if they honed the kind of disciplinary skills displayed by Mr Chestnut.

The cynical part of us always wonders what the world be like if the Joey Chestnuts of the world put more time and energy into curing cancer than chowing down on hot dogs, but a better question might be: “What would the world look like if we were all scientists?” It would probably be a very clean, very healthy and very boring place that would make sane people want to die.

Part of what makes life special is all the wonderfully weird stuff that goes on. A man whose root motivation is to push his body to its limits and make a few people laugh along the way is a good man — and a good American — in my book.

‘Merica.

Joey Chestnut

On Independence Day, Chris Rock celebrates his ignorance

“These are the times that try men’s souls. The summer soldier and sunshine patriot will, in this crisis, shrink from the service of his country.”

Those were the words of Thomas Paine, a man who dedicated every cent he earned to the American Revolution. Thomas Jefferson and the Founding Fathers would draw from Paine (among many other giants of Western thought) as they penned the Declaration of Independence. They would literally put their lives on the line for liberty, and in the process write two of the greatest documents of all time — all so ungrateful millionaires like Chris Rock could make a mockery of their accomplishments.

On Independence Day, the filthy stinking rich Rock celebrated his ignorance:

It must be tough being Chris Rock. Maybe if the founders were nicer guys he would have been a billionaire instead of a multimillionaire whose bathroom closet is probably bigger than my apartment.

As I said before, some form of slavery existed in all cultures throughout history. For thousands of years humans were finding ways to enslave one another. But it was Western Civilization that, for all intents and purposes, ended it. America’s Founding Fathers, in many ways, fired the shots that would eventually kill slavery.

Exhibit A:

“We hold these truths to be self evident, that all men are created equal; that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights; that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.”

If one believes these words, so eloquently written by the Founders, it is impossible to advocate on slavery’s behalf. In fact, Jefferson’s original draft had a direct admonishment of the King for sending slaves to the colonies, but he had to pull the language in order to keep his fragile coalition together (i.e., the coalition that would depend on a bunch of ragtag farmers with zero formal training to stand up to the British Empire and its legendary Navy).

With no real standing Army — and as traitors to the Crown — what the Founders accomplished is nothing short of a miracle. Modern day liberals want to dismiss the founding fathers as racist “white” men because they couldn’t end slavery overnight (Again, this was an institution that had existed for thousands of years.) They obliviously apply their modern sensibilities to past societies (i.e., “presentism”). Ironically, they are able to demand impossible standards of marvelous men because those men essentially accomplished the impossible!

As historian Larry Schweikart says:

“To have pressed the slavery issue in 1776 would have killed the Revolution, and to have pressed it in 1787 would have aborted the nation,” (A Patriot’s History of the United States, 116).

That is a fact. And after reading The Declaration of Independence, The Federalist Papers and the Constitution — and then considering all the other threats to the fate of the nation — it is hard not to well up with gratitude that men like Washington were at the helm at that moment in history.

Chris Rock is apparently so busy spending his millions that he never opened up a few history books. Or maybe he did, but his mind is so obsessed with race that he’s incapable of objectively looking at something as monumental as the American Revolution. Meanwhile, his liberal defenders on Twitter try to boil down our nation’s history to 140 characters or less. Brevity is often the soul of wit, but it also can be the soul of a twit — as Chris Rock demonstrates.

Now if you excuse me, I think I’ll quote another white guy: “A house divided against itself cannot stand.” It’s a great point, made by Abraham Lincoln. You know, that guy who freed the slaves. It’s just too bad liberals like Chris Rock didn’t get the memo.