Expendables 2 trailer: Proof Stallone knows the meaning of life

Battered, bloodied and bruised — but still smiling. That’s the meaning of life, and Stallone knows it. Made in America and a national treasure. Even when he’s bad he’s good.

The Expendables 2 trailer has officially landed, and it delivers the goods. As I said before, only sad, sad men and the women who love them are not psyched about this movie. Let’s think about the trailer for a second, shall we? Cheesy one liners? Check. Explosions on top of explosions? Check. Eastern European, former Communist military equipment? Check. Guns, guns and more guns? Check. Asian chick kicking ass? Check. Pure testosterone? Check. The list can go on and on.

Fact: Stallone knows the meaning of life. Life is about being 65 years old, living balls to the wall, getting battered and bruised, and then laughing about it with your buddies. If life was an orange Sly would be squeezing the s**t out of it until there wasn’t any juice left, looking at the rind, and then shoving it in his mouth and eating it just to say he ate the whole damn thing. He’s awesome. Period.

Conventional wisdom says Stallone, Schwarzenegger, and Willis should be drinking Ensure and thinking about “the good old days.” Instead of daydreaming about Rocky Balboa or Rambo he went out and created a whole new amazing franchise in his freakin’ 60’s!

Think about your friends from high school who are so out of shape that they’ve packed it in and act like sad-sack geriatrics before they’ve even lost their hair. Now think about Stallone convincingly going toe-to-toe, mano-e-mano with Van Damme at this stage of the game. It’s an inspiration.

Stallone, in silhouette, right before facing off against Van Damme. He’s still looking great after all these years.

Like the old school guns, cars, motorcycles and planes Stallone uses in The Expendables, he shows that age doesn’t need to matter because cool will always be cool. Age is inevitable, but you can kick ass until the day you die. If we think of Stallone’s body like a car it’s obvious that he loves and cares for it, but he’s going to use it and drive that thing into the ground because that’s what it was made for.

Years ago my mom, a second grade teacher at the time, would tell her coworkers how she would rather see Rocky and Rambo and any number of Stallone movies than some chick flick, and all the other women would look at her like she was from Mars. No mom, you weren’t nuts. In fact, a good litmus test to gauge someone’s sanity might be to ask them whether they would rather pay to see a marathon of Rocky, Rambo and The Expendables … or a You’ve Got Mail/Sleepless in Seattle double-feature.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have an Expendables 2 trailer to watch … again.

Democrats craft ‘Stallone Act’ to stop gun violence

Democrats in the U.S. Congress have proposed the Stallone Act (Stop The Action, Let's Love Only Non-violent Entertainment), which would make it nearly impossible for action stars to use firearms in their movies. The lawmakers claim the legislation will result in fewer gun-related crimes in the United States.

Sylvester Stallone has stopped a lot of bad guys in his day, but this summer he’ll have to stop Democrats in the United States Congress if Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee, D-Texas., has her way. Stallone, most known for his iconic roles as Rocky Balboa and Rambo, has had his career resurrected in recent years with the success of his film The Expendables in 2010. This summer, the cigar chomping man’s man, “Barney Ross,” and his merry mercenaries (with a cast that includes Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chuck Norris) will be back in action—and Democrats are fuming. The ‘Stallone Act’ seeks to put out that fire—and the guns of August.

When is enough, enough?” asked Sheila Jackson Lee, appearing on cable news shows Sunday morning. “As the president has said, at some point I think you’ve had enough success, and these action heroes have been inciting gun violence for decades. There are strong correlations between violent video games and aggressive behavior, and Congressional Democrats believe the same holds true for the movies put out by Stallone and his ilk. The ‘Stallone Act’ (Stop The Action, Let’s Love Only Non-violent Entertainment) is the Democratic Party’s favor to the American people. It’s hard to take away gun rights when men like Stallone keep glorifying their defensive purposes, but we can make it near-impossible for him to get his guns on the silver screen.

The NRA was swift in responding to news of the Stallone Act, putting out a press release in mere minutes after Jackson-Lee had spoken.

Sheila Jackson Lee and the Democratic Party should ask themselves why Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis and Aronold Schwarzenegger are loved throughout the world, including by the people of some of the most oppressed nations. Besides Stallone’s muscles and charisma, it’s the way he wields his guns. Guns say, “I’m going to do what I want, and you’re not going to stop me.” And by and large, most people just want to live a good life, raise their families in peace, and be left alone. People living in fear societies wish they had firearms readily available, but they don’t—because the guns and money are in the hands of their oppressors. Women walking home late from work in dangerous areas often wish they had a way to defend themselves, but the Democrat’s policies often make it nearly impossible, which only benefits criminals. The Republican Party will do their part by shooting down this law; the American people will only need to do theirs and buy a ticket to The Expendables 2 on August 17.

White House Press Secretary Jay Carney, when asked whether President Obama would sign the Stallone Act if it came across his desk, would only wistfully say, “In theory the president respects gun rights. The president wishes it didn’t have to come to this. The world would be a better place if Paul Giamatti’s star had shown brighter than Sly’s. We’ll have to wait and see.”

Expendables 2 Trailer Hits: Only Liberal Men and Prissy Girls Not Psyched.

The Expendables 2 teaser trailer has landed with the force of a Chuck Norris roundhouse to the face. For those of you who haven’t seen the first film, I suggest you do. In an era where the best action hero a man can get is Matt Damon running from his own government, The Expendables brought back big guys with big guns boldly taking on evil bastards. Male moviegoers with erectile dysfunction claimed to have been cured after seeing the MPS AA-12 assault shotgun in action. Well, not really…but the scenes with it unleashing rounds were worth the price of admission alone.

Want to know what the plot is? Who cares! Stallone. Statham. Li. Lundgren. Norris. Crews. Couture. Hemsworth. Van Damme. Willis.  Schwarzenegger. That’s all you need to know, and if you need to know more you might want to check and make sure that someone isn’t spiking your orange juice with estrogen.

There are two kinds of people who will pan The Expendables 2: Prissy girls who think they’re a princess, and emasculated liberal men like Chris Matthews, who only watch movies where guys like Paul Giamatti play…emasculated liberal men. I say that not to besmirch Mr. Giamatti (he’s a fine actor), but to illustrate ahead of time that the critics who undoubtedly will hate this movie should immediately be discounted because it wasn’t made for them, and it was never intended to win them over.

What man didn’t grow up wishing he could see his favorite action stars thrown into one kick-ass movie of muscles, guns, fist fights, and explosions? Even in their old age, guys like Bruce Willis exude more manliness than any of the shirtless man-boys running around on screen. Perhaps that’s why Willis was enlisted to play the original G.I. Joe in the next installment…

Deep down, every man worth his salt has dreamed about having the grit in their spit a Sylvester Stallone character displays. Today’s men have to have a “man cave” made in their house. Pathetic… Men today are told to go to deep, dark rooms where they can vicariously live through soldiers in a video game—but don’t you dare bring that into the public sphere! The characters in a Stallone, Willis, or Schwartzenegger movie have always essentially said, “F**k your ‘man cave’! I’m going to be who I am right out in the open, and if you don’t like it I might go Rambo on you.”

This summer, any man who grew up in the 80’s is honor-bound to see this movie. If they have a son, they must take him. And if they don’t, may God and Chuck Norris have mercy on their soul.

If Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis, and Chuck Norris star in the same film and you don't see it, should you be tried for treason? Perhaps.