Aziz Ansari Buried Alive

Aziz Ansari is a successful stand-up comedian. There is no debating that. He’s had a great run on Parks and Recreation, he’s met President Obama and he is big enough to let it all go to his head and make a fool out of himself when he tries to lecture his audience on social issues. He’s pumped himself up with so much self-righteousness that he doesn’t even see how bizarre it is to tout his progressive credentials in tandem with racist jokes about black males and a bit that makes light of child molestation.

Take Aziz’s latest standup routine: ‘Aziz Ansari: Buried Alive.’ If you believe that the lifelong union of a man and a woman — with the implied purpose of having children together and raising them in a healthy loving family — should be recognized as an essential building block of any civil society, then Aziz Ansari thinks you’re a “hateful” person.

This is another thing that baffles me about people who are opposed to gay marriage, you know. Here these people, they found someone to say “yes,” to this totally insane thing and then some other person is gonna be like “no, it’s weird. I just … I just think it’s weird.” It’s pretty much the only argument at this point, really. I don’t see how you can really be opposed to gay marriage at this point. Like, you know you’re on the losing side. There’s no way it’s not gonna to go through. All the demographics that are really opposed to gay marriage — they’re all going to be dead soon. … But seriously, how do you not know you’re on the losing team at this point? … That whole Chick-Fil-A situation? Whew! That was quite a conundrum for me. ‘Cause you know, obviously I’m very pro gay-marriage, but I’m also very pro-delicious chicken sandwich.  It’s like, “Uh! What do you do?!”

I stopped eating Chick-Fil-A. I’m never going to eat Chick-Fil-A. I don’t eat it anymore. … I was so jealous of homophobic people. Man, what a delicious way to support your hateful cause.

What is more hateful: Believing in a definition of marriage that for all intents and purposes excludes gay people because of their biological limitations, or Aziz Ansari perpetuating gay stereotypes by doing a bit on the gay hookup mobile app called Grindr?

Straight people are so pathetic. “Can I take you out for a drink sometime? Or maybe we can get dinner or something? I don’t know.” Gay dudes are like, “I  wanna get my dick sucked and there he is. Done.” I really think [Grindr] might be the most incredible technology that’s come out in my lifetime. For real. I don’t even know how you’d even explain that concept to someone a few generations ago. … Show someone an iPhone … [If] you’re interested in putting your penis inside another man — that dude is down.”

What is more hateful: Believing in a definition of marriage that for all intents and purposes excludes gay people because of their biological limitations, or Aziz Ansari proudly doing a bit that perpetuates the idea that black men are all a bunch of morons? Somewhere in space and time the souls of racist practitioners of Phrenology are having a good laugh at Ansari’s black jokes.

I feel bad making broad generalizations about men and women like that, but … I’m pretty confident. To me it’s like saying black dudes are blown away by magic tricks. Stereotypes are fucked up, but that one’s on point. If anyone has footage of a black dude seeing a magic trick and not being blown away, show it to me. I’ll never say that again. But until I see that footage, that’s my favorite racial stereotype ever. That’s the best one. Nothing comes close. … When a black dude sees a magic trick his mind explodes. … When a black dude sees a magic trick, for a few moments he thinks it’s real — like there’s a sorcerer on earth. … They have to reassess existence from the ground up. … That’s a beautiful way to treat things in life that you don’t understand. Do you realize how much better the world would be if we all just treated each other the way black dudes treat magicians?

What would have happened if a white standup comedian made the exact same joke about black men? How would his career fare after essentially saying to a crowd in Philadelphia that the minds of all black men haven’t developed enough to comprehend magic tricks?

Who is more strange: the guy who believes that society should hold a special reverence for the union of man and a woman, or the comedian who sees nothing wrong with trying to get laughs from child molestation jokes?

I would be worried constantly if I had a kid. I think about how much my mom let me run around as a kid. … Ten years old running around by myself … I should have been getting molested all the time. Like, I don’t know how it never happened. Not even once. Not even once! Keep in mind I was the cutest kid of all time.

Like, take the most adorable, little brown puppy you can imagine, turn that into a person — that was me as a kid. I mean, who wouldn’t be trying to fuck that? Just an unbelievable level of cuteness.  My theory is that I was so cute as a kid that it intimidated child molesters. Like for child molesters I was kind of like the hot girl at the bar. They’re like: “Oh my God! Aziz is here! Aziz is here! Aziz is here! [exhales] Okay, you can do this. You can do this. Just be yourself. Just be yourself. Confidence. Kids like confidence. Let’s do that.

[Imitating a child molester] “Hi Aziz! [stammering] That’s a, that’s a cool…uh…ha…ha…that’s a great…all right, well, see you later. [Talking to himself] Ah! You’re so stupid. You didn’t even say anything! Who am I kidding, anyway? This is Aziz we’re talking about. He can fuck any grown man he wants.”

Bravo, Mr. Ansari. You were able to look in the mirror one morning and say to yourself: “What the world needs right now is a man who is courageous enough to joke that his looks were once worthy of a child molester’s abuse.”

The icing on the cake is Ansari’s take on arranged marriages.

A lot of people in India still have arranged marriages. My dad had an arranged marriage. It was to my mom. That’s how they arranged it. And it’s interesting. Whenever I tell people that they’re always like “Oh my God. Is everything okay? Do they hate each other?” And they only ask that because it’s an arranged marriage. Those questions are totally valid for any marriage. … I read a little bit about arranged marriage. I’ve read some research and stuff they’ve done. Very interesting. I found this study they did where they took couples that had arranged marriages and they took couples that had non-arranged marriages and they measured their happiness levels. In the first three-to-five years non-arranged couples were happier. But, when I looked at it 25-30 years down the line the arranged couples were happier. So, who knows? I don’t know.

Actually, Westerners ask that question because arranged marriages and dowry have a well known history, Mr. Ansari — and some of the stories are not pretty.

Ms. [Preeti] Dhaka’s training as one of the capital’s nearly 1,000 female investigators couldn’t insulate her from Indian traditions that often conspire against laws meant to enforce women’s rights. After a day of protest duty on New Year’s Eve, she wrote a despairing note: Her new husband, unhappy that her dowry hadn’t included a car, “tried to motivate me to die.” …

Pressuring a bride or her family for wedding gifts is against a 1961 law passed in an effort to end dowry abuses. The dowry tradition persists, with a woman’s family often giving lavish gifts to her fiancé’s family.

Dowry disputes remain a prevalent cause of violence against women, usually by husbands or in-laws who think a dowry was too small. According to government crime statistics, nearly one woman was killed every hour in India last year over dowries. In Delhi, “dowry comes a lot” in police complaints by women, says Ms. Insan. “In the village, the girls don’t come forward. They prefer to protect the home.”

But hey, Mr. Ansari “doesn’t know” where he comes down on arranged marriages. He just knows that it’s incredibly lucrative to perpetuate the poisonous stereotypes of the sex-crazed gay man and intellectually inferior blacks. Do it enough, and you even get to meet the first black president. Let’s all give Aziz Ansari a round of applause.

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About the Author Douglas Ernst

I'm a former Army guy who believes success comes through hard work, honesty, optimism, and perseverance. I believe seeing yourself as a victim creates a self-fulfilling prophecy. I believe in God. I'm a USC Trojan with an MA in Political Science from American University.

24 comments

  1. “All the demographics that are really opposed to gay marriage — they’re all going to be dead soon.”

    Doug…what do you think about this idiotic and hateful statement? Because to be honest, I’ve heard it so many times that I’m beyond trying to unpackage it and think you have far better articulation skills than I have.

    1. Short of burning Bibles and outlawing Christianity, I don’t see advocates of traditional marriage ever dying off. Even if you could make all the world’s Christians disappear tomorrow…you’d still have about 1.6 billion Muslims to deal with. And, unlike Christians…Islamic fundamentalists would not show guys like Aziz Ansari much patience for his point of view. I’m inclined to think that if Aziz took his standup routine to Iran that he’d be dead before the year is out.

      I guess the thing that bothers me is that somewhere along the line it was decided that unless you’re 100% on board with whatever press release GLAAD puts out on a given day, then you’re a racistbigothomophobe (one word). It’s weird.

      How sad is it that Aziz Ansari won’t eat a chicken sandwich because the CEO of Chick-Fil-A is a devout Christian? Does Aziz Ansari do research on the CEOs of every company he buys from? I hope he’s prepared to not shop at a lot of stores.

    2. Yeah, but even if all Christians disappear tomorrow, whose to say that the rest of the West couldn’t handle the muslims with all of the superior technology and things we have?

    3. Didn’t the Marines kick their buts in Fallujah though and isn’t there a transcription of an Al-Queda commander asking Bin Laden to essentially send it everyone because the marines were kicking their butts at an exorbitant rate like 70:1?

    4. Yep. And you can look at the kill ratios in Vietnam. 50-to-1 kill ratio during the Tet Offensive. What good did it do?

      “You can kill ten of my men for every one I kill of yours, but even at those odds you will lose, and I will win.” — Ho Chi Minh

      I think our foreign adversaries know American politicians quite well. For every George W. Bush who is willing to take a politically tough stand, there are 10 Harry Reids waving the white flag of surrender.

    5. @Douglas

      So you don’t think any of them can become like part of that portion of the rainbow brigade that was part of the NAZI party before they were taken out?

  2. Interesting that he jokes about pedophilia and arranged marriages in his comedy routine. In the heritage of his origin, they are one in the same!

    Your mother, HOW YOUNG WAS SHE? (rimshot!)

    Typical progressive mind set, as not only exemplified here with Aziz, but look at all the Left wing talking heads over the last few months who really cannot comprehend why they should apologize…most egregious,from Harris-Parry’s panel, “One of these is not like the others. One of these just doesn’t belong…”

    Group Aziz and Harris-Parry into the same “racist, without a clue” group!

    1. Yes, the Harris-Parry panel was painful to watch. That entire network seems to just enjoy getting groups of people together who like to make really mean comments and chortle. The weird thing is that you know they met beforehand with producers to discuss what they were going to talk about. They planned the segment, which tells you that it wasn’t just some sort of off-the-cuff thing. They really are in a bubble if they didn’t know what those comments would get backlash.

    2. I’m not familiar with Ansari, but he sounds like an idiot. I find it absurd that he (and other liberal activists) want to boycott a fast food joint because its owner believes in traditional marriage. I get coffee every morning from Caribou Coffee (which being a MN company, doesn’t really have a presence outside this state; it’s kind of like Starbuck’s) and they’re one of the more liberal companies out there. But I enjoy their coffee and the people who work at my local Caribou are great, so I keep going there even though I disagree with their views on things.

    3. You said he was on Parks and Recreation? I don’t watch that show, so that’s probably why I’ve never heard of him until now. I don’t like Amy Poehler, so that’s why I don’t watch it.

    1. you do realize he is a comedian with an audience, right?

      You do realize, Anonymous guy from South Carolina, that being a comedian doesn’t give you a license to just blatantly spout off racist material without someone calling you out on it, right? I guess not. Now you know.

    2. I recently watched some of his stand-up material on YouTube and didn’t think he was at all funny. I won’t watch Parks and Recreation because I can’t stand Amy Poehler.

    3. When you watch something like ‘Bill Cosby: Himself’ and then you watch Aziz Ansari, you can see why Bill’s stuff last decades and Aziz’s…won’t. Ten years from now how many people are going to be like, “Hey, buddy, let’s watch that hilarious child molestation bid Ansari did back in 2013!”? Not many.

  3. Sounds like sour grapes. The guy make jokes for a living. Comedians do that for a humorous response. It happens to step on your toes of real life beliefs, boo hoo. If they inject some of their beliefs into it its obviously going to be partial and exaggerated.

  4. Have to say, if it offends you, then don’t watch it. It’s comedy. Some people will find it funny, some people won’t. No need to get all up in arms about it.

    1. Wilson, the fact that you read the entire piece and that is the best you can come up with a response is hilarious. Thanks for the laugh on a Thursday morning. I appreciate it.

  5. I was hoping by the Title it was good news Aziz Ansari: Buried Alive, no such luck. Lets just call him what he is? A liberal commercial on stage to promote an agenda pawning himself off as a comedy act. Sadly we men are being forced to endure this charade not only by male comedians, but actors and now even sports talk show hosts. Seems we have no escape from this non stop promotional tour for some liberal idea or concept. No matter how unsuccessful the government program, how far off the charts some new social freedom they want to promote there is some person willing to taunt it right in our noses. Ralphie May does the same crap. I remember my girlfriend watching these two clowns and not saying a word, I piped up and said you listen to this s%$t. This isn’t comedy its a PBS special on changing male thinking.

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