The inmates are running the asylum. And the scary thing is, the sane people are the ones who are labeled “extreme” these days.

Behold, The Washington Post reports on a story out of Maryland (my home for at least another year):

A kindergartner who brought a cowboy-style cap gun onto his Calvert County school bus was suspended for 10 days after showing a friend the orange-tipped toy, which he had tucked inside his backpack on his way to school, according to his family and a lawyer.

The child was questioned for more than two hours before his mother was called, she said, adding that he uncharacteristically wet his pants during the episode. The boy is 5 — “all bugs and frogs and cowboys,” his mother said. …

The case comes at a time of heightened sensitivity about guns in schools across the country. Locally, children in first and second grade have been disciplined for pointing their fingers like guns and for chewing a Pop-Tart-like pastry into the shape of a gun. In Pennsylvania, a 5-year-old was suspended for talking about shooting a Hello Kitty bubble gun that blows soap bubbles. …

Isolated case, right? Wrong. My favorite came out of Colorado this past February:

A second-grader in Colorado has been suspended from his elementary school for “throwing” an imaginary grenade during a harmless make-believe game he was playing called “rescue the world.”

The innocent 7-year-old claimed he was, in fact, simply trying to rescue the world, but officials at Mary Blair Elementary School, in Loveland, Colo., said playing with a weapon, the pretend grenade in this case, whether imaginary or real, is unacceptable on school grounds.

“I was trying to save people and I just can’t believe I got dispended,” said Alex Evans, the little boy, who can’t even pronounce his punishment, let alone understand why it happened.

Evans told KDVR-TV that he was merely playing a game during recess at the school, which is about an hour north of Denver, when he threw an imaginary grenade into a box that contained make-believe evil forces.

Got that? He was trying to destroy evil. A little boy was “trying to save the world” during recess and was suspended. The administrators and faculty members who would consider calling the police over a cap gun (used by a 5-year-old little boy) or suspend another boy who pulled an imaginary pin on an imaginary grenade to kill the evil inside his imaginary box, are sick. These are the people who are shaping the minds of your children, and they are the most in need of supervision.

In the minds of these “educators,” the little boy who lives out his fantasies of becoming a cowboy or a soldier must be watched. There is something wrong with him. Rambunctious boys who make bazooka noises or pretend lasers can shoot out of their trigger finger must be stopped. Perhaps there might even be some prescription drugs we could pump into them to curb such unacceptable behavior…

Warning: If you are under 18, do not attempt to make this food rifle. You will be suspended, and school counselors will be called in for an emergency evaluation.
Warning: If you are under 18, do not attempt to make this food rifle. You will be suspended, and school counselors will be called in for an emergency evaluation.

If I ever become a father and my little boy or girl is suspended for pretending to be a soldier, I will take the week off and treat them to ice cream every single day. We’ll talk and we’ll laugh and we’ll take that time to learn all sorts of valuable lessons — one of which will be that there is nothing wrong with vanquishing evil.

Who is that man holding a guitar like a weapon? Is he in school? Suspend him! Expel him! Pump him full of drugs!
Who is that man holding a guitar like a weapon? Poor guy probably wasn’t suspended or pumped full of drugs as a kid. If those impulses aren’t curbed early on you might get a responsible law-abiding citizen. What were his parents thinking?
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About the Author Douglas Ernst

I'm a former Army guy who believes success comes through hard work, honesty, optimism, and perseverance. I believe seeing yourself as a victim creates a self-fulfilling prophecy. I believe in God. I'm a USC Trojan with an MA in Political Science from American University.

9 comments

  1. Utterly stupid and sick. Whatever happened to “it’s going in my desk, you can have it back at the end of the day”

    Who did the detention and interrogation?

    I smell a lawsuit brewing…

    1. Common sense disappeared long ago. Why take the toy gun for a day and tell the parents that he can’t bring them to school when we could make a huge production out of it and make the kid feel like a criminal? Why allow little boys to be little boys when we could do everything within our power to turn them into androgynous zombies?

      These people need help.

      Anyway, thanks for taking the time to read and comment. I appreciate it!

  2. I can tell by the neck of that weapon that you’re firing a Fender (probably a Stratocaster) using .043 bass strings in the key of E.

    It’s a killer ax.

    Were you auditioning for the group “Megadeath”?

    Love the carbo rifle. I may leech it for a piece I’m writing with your permission.
    “Lock N Load, troopers” — John Wayne

    1. I actually always wanted to start my own band called “Right Wing Conspiracy.” I had it all worked out. My sister would play guitar (she dabbled), my wife would play bass (although she plays numerous instruments), and then … we needed a drummer. Good drummers are hard to come by, and Neil Peart never returned my calls… I think he’s part of some weird Canadian band or something. “Rush”? I don’t know. I never heard of them.

      The food rifle I saw a month or two online. It’s all over the place. That one isn’t mine. I’m not sure where that came from, other than a creative soul.

      Where does the time go? Sigh. Living in the limelight … the universal dream.

    2. Following The Dream is a popular mindset in writers and performers.

      Mine is having enough time and moolah to hang out on Music Row in Nashville with a batch of printed song lyrics and tablature, a beatup guitar and a few Hohner 528 Blues Harps and pester music execs and producers into giving some of my stuff a shot.

      If I had a band, I’d name it “The Stolen Roans”.

  3. Another example of over-reactionary zero tolerance policies at schools. You hear about that kid who was suspended because the Pop Tart he had just bitten into looked like a gun? And there’s also that kid in Massachusetts who was suspended because he had a toy GI Joe gun on him.

    1. Yeah, like i said in my post about it, that would’ve never happened when I was in second grade. When we played cops and robbers back then, the teachers and playground aides knew we were playing. They didn’t suspend us or anything nonsensical like that.

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