As a kid, Marcus Allen was my favorite player ... but Eagles quarterback Randall Cunningham was definitely in the top five.
As a kid, Marcus Allen was my favorite player, but Eagles quarterback Randall Cunningham was definitely in my top five. If the Pentagon’s top brass gives in to civilian pressure to lower standards, a domino effect could occur that would end with one douglasernstblog.com reader fulfilling his lifelong dream of becoming Philly’s starting QB. Let’s make this happen. Lower the standards now, SOCOM.

The great thing about starting this blog and sharing it via any number of social media platforms is that it allows individuals to give me feedback. Some people love me. Some people hate me. Some don’t know what to make of me. I find all of this out primarily through tweets, both public and private, and the occasional email exchange. After my post on Lt. Cmdr. Rorke Denver’s book “Damn Few” I received a message from a Philadelphia Eagles fan that had to be elevated in status. Here now is his response to the prospect of lower standards for Navy SEALs:

Douglas,

After reading your post on “Damn Few” I must say that you are definitely over-reacting to the lowering of the SEAL teams standards.  This can be a great opportunity for me; other organizations can lower their standards too. Hear me out.

I’ve always loved the Philadelphia Eagles. I’ve always thought I should be quarterback of the Eagles, so I am sending them my resume this week.  I may not be your “prototypical” quarterback, as I am 5’11 with thick soled shoes and a svelte 168 pounds — but I bring many things to the table.

  • I can project my voice and yell really loud, so I can call plays over the crowd noise, and I’m smart so I can memorize the passing tree.
  • At 40, I’m a bit older than the average rookie, but I make up for it in a 2+ decade working career stressing teamwork and accountability.
  • Though I’ve never played organized ball, I was really good in pickup games and inter murals at college, and unlike the Jet’s Mark Sanchez, I have NEVER committed a “butt fumble” … and I am expanding this sentence for the sole reason that I enjoy saying “butt fumble.”
  • I’m pretty sure I can’t throw as far as every other NFL QB, but as I prove a few times a year shooting darts with the boys at the bar, I can be deadly accurate; if throwing NFL routes is anything like throwing at the number 18 on a dart board, you can carve my hall of fame bust right now!

I fear the eagles may reject me for not meeting something as trivial as their physical standards, probably put in place for my own safety and to ensure their paying fans and sponsors get the best possible performance from their players —but — second only to my desire to play for the Eagles is my selfishness; I deserve to be an Eagle, standards or no!

So, since you are in Washington DC with a lot of lawyers, find me one that will sue the Eagles for age and genetic discrimination (after all, it’s not my fault I’m not 6′ 4″ and can’t throw 70 yards).  Also, if the lawyer/agent can ensure the team has an ER doc on staff so when a giant defensive lineman from a non-progressive/non-standard lowering team breaks me in half, I’ll be taken care of. That would be great, as I’d hate for my mother to worry while I’m trail blazing a social engineering path in this most dangerous of professions.

Also, you are a better writer than I, so if you help me draft an apology letter for the deserving kid who put in years of practice and is more physically gifted than I am, that would be great. I’m really sorry I took his roster spot.  But, I’m not really sorry, since he was the moron who was born big and decided to put in hard work through pop-warner, high school, then college … clearly he should have been in front of this progressive, standard-lowering tidal wave. What a dumb jock!

Can’t wait for my new career to start.  Perhaps Touré will even interview me.

The douglasernstblog.com reader who wants to be an NFL quarterback in a league with lower standards has a point: he has never "butt fumbled" and probably never would if given a chance to play.
The douglasernstblog.com reader who wants to be an NFL quarterback in a league with lower standards has a point: he has never “butt fumbled” and probably never would if given a chance to play. He might break his neck … but it is unlikely that he will “butt fumble.”
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About the Author Douglas Ernst

I'm a former Army guy who believes success comes through hard work, honesty, optimism, and perseverance. I believe seeing yourself as a victim creates a self-fulfilling prophecy. I believe in God. I'm a USC Trojan with an MA in Political Science from American University.

4 comments

  1. I will pass along this article for my husband to read it. Don’t worry I am not one of those that hate you. La Amistad Continua. Amigos por vida..

    1. LOL. If it wasn’t for reading your blog (and a few others, too!) I never would’ve been inspired to start doing so myself.

      And I remember Cunningham well… as the Vikings QB during that magical 1998 season where we almost went to the Super Bowl, but then Gary Anderson missed a field goal that would’ve won us the game… instead, Atlanta tied the game, it went into OT and we lost. Within a year, Cunningham was out as Vikings QB.

    2. I’m glad you’re writing, man. I’m sure that your blog will inspire someone along the way. 🙂

      I was rooting for Randall on the Vikings, which is rare for me since I have a thing against purple teams (don’t ask…I don’t know why). In his prime he was fun to watch. I always loved quarterbacks who could scramble.

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