Apparently, there is a "growing body of evidence" that video games make us violent, and so we need warning labels to stop the madness. There is also a growing body of evidence that dumb Congressmen are bringing about the death of our nation through crippling debt. Given such findings, I propose that Reps. Joe Baca and Frank Wolf walk around with huge warning labels that have been licked and stamped to their forehead.

The United States is 16 trillion dollars in debt. What’s that mean? If you guessed, “we need someone to tackle video game warning labels,” you move to the head of the class. Yes, that’s right, our brilliant Representatives, Joe Baca (D-CA) and Frank Wolf (R-VA), are on the case, spending vast amounts of time and resources on those pesky Italian plumbers who make kids want to just jump on turtles and smash mushrooms with reckless abandon.

Under the one-page Violence in Video Games Labeling Act, packaging for all video games except those rated “EC” for Early Childhood would be required to prominently display a message reading “WARNING: Exposure to violent video games has been linked to aggressive behavior.” The proposed label would be required even if the video game in question is not violent.

After Ryan Dunn of “Jackass” fame died in a car accident I wrote a piece of satire in which liberal politicians came out in favor of gigantic warning labels for cars. Every few weeks people get to this blog who actually want such things to exist, and so it comes as no surprise to me that morons of a similar mold have worked their way into the halls of Congress. My only regret about writing the Car Warning Label piece was that I gave Republicans too much credit. And so, I will skewer Rep. Wolf to make amends:

“Just as we warn smokers of the health consequences of tobacco, we should warn parents—and children—about the growing scientific evidence demonstrating a relationship between violent video games and violent behavior,” co-sponsor Representative Frank Wolf (R-VA) said. “As a parent and grandparent, I think it is important people know everything they can about the extremely violent nature of some of these games.”

Dear Congressman Wolf,

Great idea with the video game label bill. However, there is a growing body of evidence that elected officials in Washington, D.C. are creating the conditions for societal collapse and violence through unsustainable debt and partisan gridlock. I think it is important people know everything they can about these extremely dangerous politicians, and so I propose that all members of Congress have a label plastered to their forehead that reads: “WARNING: Exposure to my dumb policies will harm you and your family.”

No one has considered this for quite some time, but perhaps the best way to curb video game violence might be…to be a good parent. You know, like the kind who examines the toys they buy for their kids, limits the time spent on videos to a reasonable sitting, and takes time out of their schedule to teach antiquated ideas like “right” and “wrong.”

An amazing thing happened to me when I was a kid: I played all sorts of violent video games, and for some weird reason I grew up to be a law abiding citizen who would only resort to violence in self defense. Weird.

But hey, keep up the good fight Reps. Baca and Wolf. We all know that in the grand scheme of things that Ganondorf is a bigger threat to the nation than, say, unconstitutional health care mandates, the proliferation of nuclear weapons and nuclear weapons technology, debt, eminent domain cases, job-killing red tape and unemployment perpetually hovering in the double-digits.

Note to Congressman Wolf: If the dollar bites the dust, video games will be the last thing your grandchildren have to worry about.

1 comment

  1. These morons are fiddling while Rome burns. A few weeks ago the chowderheads were thundering about a hearing on steroids in professional sports.

    Wasn’t all of this going to go away when Tipper Gore put warning labels on music albums?

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