In the wake of the riots and violence that accompanied the release of retro Air Jordans just before Christmas, liberal Democrats on Capitol Hill have vowed to take action in 2012 to make sure it never happens again. As The Detroit Free Press reported, “The frenzy over Air Jordans has been dangerous in the past. Some people were mugged or even killed for early versions of the shoe, created by Nike Inc. in 1984.” Democrats are looking for victories leading into campaign season, and to them the Jordan fiasco is low hanging legislative fruit.
Democrat Senator Harry Reid was crystal clear:
Nike should be ashamed. Yet again, a corporation filled with the top 1% of wage earners has shown that it can not be trusted. Moreso, Michael Jordan should be ashamed of himself. How many people have to be bloodied and bruised before the basketball great owns up to the responsibility he bears for their injuries? If Michael Jordan cared about the 99% he would have modeled his career on the likes of Bill Wennington. That way, there would be no riots. That way, the shoe would sell or not sell on its own merits—not the greatness of “Air” Jordan. If Nike cared about footwear, they’d put themselves in the shoes of every person who was knocked down, robbed, or assaulted over a pair of Jordans. Since they won’t step up to the plate, Democrats will. It is our solemn vow to see to it that not one person ever again feels the pain of an unregulated shoe-release.
Not surprisingly, Republicans in both Houses have come out against the bill. They were promptly called racists, due to the heavy concentration of Air Jordan purchases in urban areas. Politifact takes issue with that claim, citing that presidential contender Ron Paul has been anti-shoe regulation since Congress looked into the implications of a Larry Bird deal with Converse in the early 1980’s.
Note: The author of this post is a graduate of The Dennis Rodman School of Satire in Detroit, Michigan.