The Expendables 2 teaser trailer has landed with the force of a Chuck Norris roundhouse to the face. For those of you who haven’t seen the first film, I suggest you do. In an era where the best action hero a man can get is Matt Damon running from his own government, The Expendables brought back big guys with big guns boldly taking on evil bastards. Male moviegoers with erectile dysfunction claimed to have been cured after seeing the MPS AA-12 assault shotgun in action. Well, not really…but the scenes with it unleashing rounds were worth the price of admission alone.

Want to know what the plot is? Who cares! Stallone. Statham. Li. Lundgren. Norris. Crews. Couture. Hemsworth. Van Damme. Willis.  Schwarzenegger. That’s all you need to know, and if you need to know more you might want to check and make sure that someone isn’t spiking your orange juice with estrogen.

There are two kinds of people who will pan The Expendables 2: Prissy girls who think they’re a princess, and emasculated liberal men like Chris Matthews, who only watch movies where guys like Paul Giamatti play…emasculated liberal men. I say that not to besmirch Mr. Giamatti (he’s a fine actor), but to illustrate ahead of time that the critics who undoubtedly will hate this movie should immediately be discounted because it wasn’t made for them, and it was never intended to win them over.

What man didn’t grow up wishing he could see his favorite action stars thrown into one kick-ass movie of muscles, guns, fist fights, and explosions? Even in their old age, guys like Bruce Willis exude more manliness than any of the shirtless man-boys running around on screen. Perhaps that’s why Willis was enlisted to play the original G.I. Joe in the next installment…

Deep down, every man worth his salt has dreamed about having the grit in their spit a Sylvester Stallone character displays. Today’s men have to have a “man cave” made in their house. Pathetic… Men today are told to go to deep, dark rooms where they can vicariously live through soldiers in a video game—but don’t you dare bring that into the public sphere! The characters in a Stallone, Willis, or Schwartzenegger movie have always essentially said, “F**k your ‘man cave’! I’m going to be who I am right out in the open, and if you don’t like it I might go Rambo on you.”

This summer, any man who grew up in the 80’s is honor-bound to see this movie. If they have a son, they must take him. And if they don’t, may God and Chuck Norris have mercy on their soul.

If Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis, and Chuck Norris star in the same film and you don't see it, should you be tried for treason? Perhaps.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s