Franz Ferdinand was killed by a Browning, solid oak, semi-automatic Spork in Liberal Universe 616…despite the Progressive efforts to outlaw weapons. Don’t let this bizarre future come to pass in your universe.

As I’ve noted before, it’s tough being a time traveler. First I warned you about Barack Obama worm holes, and then parallel universe Rivers Cuomo, but this is different.  This is big.  Where do I start?  I suppose the beginning is as good as any.

The time I come from is 2250, but it all really started January 8th, 2011. In the immediate aftermath of the Gabrielle Giffords tragedy, liberal pundits started talking about the explosive rhetoric used by the likes of Sarah Palin. Bill Maher and his friends jumped at the opportunity to tell people that the actions of a madman obsessed with “mind control” and the Communist Manifesto was a harbinger of things to come with a Republican-controlled House.  A cosmic chord was struck, and a chain of events began that ended only decades later with the complete and utter abolition of all guns from the hands of law-abiding citizens.

Great, right? Wrong.

Although school books written by liberal historians were downright giddy, even going so far as to theorize Archduke Franz Ferdinand would have lived—with World War I avoided as a result—had such measures been in place in 1914 (a subject I’ll come back to shortly), it’s safe to say that the world is not a safer place in 2050. In fact, it’s just as dangerous and downright bizarre.

After the guns, they went for Tasers. After the Tasers, they came for modernized bow and arrows.  And then slingshots. And so on, and so forth.  But for some weird reason people still found ways to hurt, kill, or maim each other. Criminals found new and creative ways to circumvent the law, assassins continued assassinating their “targets”, and mentally unstable people continued to snap in public gathering places.

In my time, we’re at the point where sporks are now being used for self defense by the common citizen.  While the United States remains one of the last free enclaves to exist in the world (all governments, particularly tyrannical regimes, kept the guns for themselves), there’s something just plain wrong about the Spork Control debates taking place around the country.

For instance, while I agree with the saying, “Sporks don’t kill people, people do,” it saddens me to see the bumper stickers.  I feel worse for moderate Democrats. Forced into a corner, they feel the need to say things like, “Sporks don’t kill people, knives do.”

I mentioned Franz Ferdinand earlier, but I didn’t mention that I’m not the only time traveller. Buoyed by their legislative successes, rogue liberal spacemen made inroads in previous times in alternate universes. Only, there’s one pesky fact that continues to elude them: it doesn’t change anything.

In Liberal Universe 616 the Archduke still dies, albeit at the hands of an assassin wielding a solid oak semi-auomatic spork. As a sick side note, the spork was manufactured by Browning…the same company that made the .32 ACP (Automatic Colt Pistol) in your universe.

Don’t let this be you.  Don’t let them demonize a particular political party or ideology in the wake of the Gabrielle Giffords tragedy or those who will inevitably follow (and they will).  Stand up for The Second Amendment, vigorously make the case for limited government, and defend free markets and a strong national defense.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a rendezvous with Spaceman Spiff sometime before armageddon.

Oddly enough, there’s also an alternate universe where Spaceman Spiff must defend himself with a wet noodle. Don’t let that be you.
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About the Author Douglas Ernst

I'm a former Army guy who believes success comes through hard work, honesty, optimism, and perseverance. I believe seeing yourself as a victim creates a self-fulfilling prophecy. I believe in God. I'm a USC Trojan with an MA in Political Science from American University.

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