Newsweek is worried about Russia’s increasing urge to go retro and convert itself into Thugish Police State Spectacular. I guess I should be happy that they’re even acknowledging the truth, but I can’t show too much hope in them with follow ups like this:

Videos of police beating demonstrators, pulling their hair, and punching women in the face have caused an uproar on the Russian Web and the most strongly worded protest from the White House in years—all roundly ignored by the Kremlin. Instead, it is systematically (and with the full support of Medvedev, apparently) rebuilding the foundations of a police state.

Did you want to see the “most strongly worded protest from the White House in years”? BEHOLD, a taste of rhetorical lightening hurtled across the digital oceans at the Russian leadership:

When the United Nations or The United States says it's "concerned" you better look out. Nothing says, "I mean business" like I'm "concerned."

If Newsweek considers “The United States is concerned” the equivalent of lexical blunt-force trauma, and then wonders why the world considers the current administration a tepid mess they can push around, they have even more problems than I thought.

However, what really shocks me is that Ashton Kutcher’s diplomatic efforts have failed so miserably! Not too long ago he was swilling vodka and closing the digital freedom divide with the Russians in between vacations in which Twit Pics of his wife’s bikini clad butt were a priority. How did this all happen? Well, considering that Ashton Kutcher is the type of guy who doesn’t understand that drilling for oil is necessary when oil represents 40 percent of energy consumption, the puzzle shouldn’t be too hard to piece together.  Having an administration that assembles delegations of Hollywood beta males with a penchant for cute hats is also rather telling.

If I portray a spy in my movies and wear cute little hats that frame my face really well, I'll have the confidence to lecture you on foreign and domestic policy.

Dear Ashton,

Congratulations on your movie, Killers.  It almost eked out 50 million domestically, which means you get to prance around possibly “punking” people for years to come, mug for us in camera commercials, and have people ask you all sorts of public policy questions—as if you’re an expert in any number of given fields unrelated to showing off your abs. I look forward to your observations over the new START treaty. And if you decide foreign policy isn’t your thing, it appears as though you’ll have a chance to talk immigration real soon.




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