The capture of Mullah Baradar in Pakistan is great news for the United States and people who despise jihadi head-choppers everywhere. I’m a little bothered that the numbers “two” and “three” always seem to turn up instead of “ONE”…but perhaps I’m just being impatient. And, while on many levels I wish he would have assumed room temperature like our old friend Al-Zarqawi (who probably died in part because he had no clue how to fire his own weapon), I’m happy that someone, somewhere, is gleaning intelligence from this clown.

But that once again begs the question: How do we get intelligence from him once his laptop and computer treasure trove is empty? Right now he’s in Pakistani custody, so I assume they have their “own ways” of getting people to talk, but what if they were to take a few suggestions from their US counterparts. Are REM, Pearl Jam, Nine Inch Nails, and Rage Against the Machine on the table?

Recently, a number of rock bands from the 90’s were upset that their music was used to annoy murderers who scream “Allah Akbar” as they chop off heads (instead of at the microphone). If I remember correctly, Michael Stipe has a few regrets about penning Shiny Happy People, so why not atone for it by getting under the skin of a terrorist mastermind and moneyman? I suppose I shouldn’t have used the word ‘atone’ because of it’s religious connotation, right Mike?

Why not show a montage of famous “infidels” while playing Pearl Jam’s Alive? Sure, the lyrics of Alive don’t really lend itself to that…but a deeper reading of Eddie Vedder’s lyrical talent would be lost on Mullah Baradar anyway. Perhaps we could even incorporate strobe lights as images of George Bush flashed across a big screen TV. Think about it, Eddie!

The point is, artists and liberal “intellectuals” (defined as anyone who disagrees with conservatives) live in a world where we’re all a big multi-cultural safety circle of “Shiny Happy People.” Guys who actively seek chemical, biological, and nuclear weapons to detonate in downtown Los Angeles, Chicago, or New York should be subjected to Michael Stipe’s worst offerings if the intelligence gathered will save countless American lives. To the CIA I suggest anything after Bill Berry left the group due to a brain aneurism. They haven’t been the same since.

*note* Eddie, if you read this, I already know what your response is going to be: Shut yo mouth… But I’m just talking about Dirty Frank…urrrm, Mullah Baradar.

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